Discussion starters

Let’s see, can I get people to comment? I want your opinions on my thoughts.

1. Immigrants work harder than most people I know. I don’t think they should be punished for traveling to look for work. If more of these poor unfortunate unemployed would go stand at the Home Depot at 5am and go pick fruit, there wouldn’t be so much reason for immigrants to come here because there wouldn’t be so many jobs. Be a part of the solution or shut up.

2. There should be no laws governing what someone does in their home unless it causes harm to a minor.

3. Yes, gay marriage and yes, polygamy should be legal. It’s none of the government’s business and PARTICULARLY the IRS’s business whether or not I’m married. We should all pay taxes as citizens, not based on marital status.

4. Prostitution should be legal and taxed. Can you imagine? Politicians might actually have to pay taxes!

5. Gambling should be legal and taxed heavily. If cigarettes get a “sin” tax, then so should all other vices. Though I don’t agree with a “sin” tax at all. None of government’s business.

6. Marijuana should be legal and taxed. If companies still want to prohibit it’s use, I guess that must be tolerated for the sake of liberty, but I don’t like it.

7. There should be no laws governing abortion, and if insurance companies want to cover it, so be it. If not, so be it. Recognize, I don’t like abortion, I don’t want abortion, I don’t agree with it as a solution, and I do feel that voluntary abortions for the sake of convenience are murder. However, that’s a decision among a woman, her doctor(s), and her personal God and IN NO WAY should the government be involved.

8. Pedophiles should get sent away for life. That kind of thing obviously can’t be fixed with current medical technology, and until that changes, they are a danger to society at large.

9. Health care is a right. Life is a right. If a citizen can’t get private insurance, there should be a public option. I want all my fellow citizens to be as healthy as possible. How can that not be a positive thing for the country?

10. Those who ordered waterboarding should be prosecuted as war criminals. Torture is torture. That’s like hitting a kid to teach them not to hit. Fuckin’ morons have run this country for too long. Geez, no wonder Bush’s daughters went nuts partying…he obviously has no idea how to parent. If he did, we wouldn’t have gone to Iraq and Afghanistan. We’d have used black ops to hunt down the bad guys and our boys would be at home providing security and assistance AT HOME. These wars have terrorized an entire region of the globe because a few fanatics grew up there. No wonder we’re hated worldwide as barbarians.

11. President Obama is doing a damn fine job working with what he has to work with. Life is not black and white, and you’ve gotta give a little to get a little. He’s getting there, just give him some time.

12. I am not a socialist or communist. In fact, I just listened to the Communist Manifesto and couldn’t disagree with it more. I am a libertarian.

13. Corporations should not be allowed to participate in government. They are quickly taking over this country and the world, and too many are all too happy to hand their lives and liberty over to corporations. Heaven forbid they pay taxes; they need that money to go to Wal-Mart!

14. Rich people should pay their fair share of taxes. They’re only hoarding money. They bitch about keeping the money they worked so hard for, but what do they do with it? Hoard it for their family, so THEY don’t have to work hard for the money. In what dimension is that right?

15. Don’t ask don’t tell is ridiculous. Quit telling me the soldiers won’t like it so it shouldn’t be done. From what I gather, the military imposes LOTS of stuff on soldiers that they aren’t happy about. They signed up to hand their lives to Uncle Sam, and if Uncle Sam says gays can serve, the soldiers will have to get the fuck over it.

16. There is nothing wrong with spanking when used as an actual form of discipline and not a lazy way to punish.

17. There should ALWAYS be a separation of church and state. Even if the founders WERE Christian, they did not write the Constitution that way. We must preserve the separation.

18. I’m all for gun rights and the 2nd amendment but Good Lord, why are there entire arsenals in the possession of average citizens? **eyes rolling** Idiots. Of COURSE people are nervous about you, you goddamn nutjob. Get out there and SPEND the money you’re using to build your petty little arsenal. The economy needs you more than America needs you and your damned trigger finger.

19. There should not be “hate crimes”. A crime is a crime, regardless of the intention. The hate can enter into sentencing, but there shouldn’t be extra laws based on who the victim is. All victims deserve to have justice. Period.

20. There should be a limit to how long a person can be on death row. Criminy! We pay far too much to keep people alive that we’re going to kill anyway.

21. Welfare has a place, but there should be stringent requirements: drug tests (if you can afford drugs, you can afford food), mandatory birth control administered by the Department of Health and Human Services, benefits should only last a couple years, there should be a NATIONAL database for who has received benefits and for how long, and recipients must PROVE they’re looking for work.

22. Sex education is a MUST. We must get back to the days of public service announcements about AIDS. Sex can KILL! Hullo, does no one remember this???

23. We must preserve FREEDOM on the internet. Maybe the government’s intervention isn’t the answer, but heaven forbid consumers spend a little time boycotting the internet to prevent corporate takeover of the PEOPLE’s only means of free communication.

Ok, let’s see how many people COMPLETELY disagree with me and WHY. I’m down for a debate, bring it on!

I’m Mental

Do you ever get to the end of your day and realize that every person you’ve communicated with that day has misunderstood your meanings? I have. I call those “bad communication days.”

Do you ever find yourself full of energy yet still depressed?

Keep these questions in mind and feel free to comment with any further you may have. I’m always down for researching answers.

So, having been in treatment for bipolar and ADHD for four years, I finally decided to go get thoroughly tested to see what my actual diagnosis was, as opposed to talking to a shrink for 10 minutes and him handing me prescriptions. I went in thinking Bipolar and ADHD and when my evaluation came back a month later I was told I’m not ADHD. Instead, I’m Bipolar I with “mixed episodes.” Basically that means I’m pretty depressed, and even when I have my manic upswings, rather than the typical euphoria that comes with mania, I just feel depressed with ENERGY. Most times that energy comes out in the form of being snappy, short with people, quick to anger and all other sorts of negative stuff, plus a major lack of impulse control.

It was determined that I am in the bottom 1% as far as self-image goes. That’s pretty sad, but pretty accurate. In fact, every single tiny detail of the very detailed evaluation is spot on. I recommend the testing for everyone in the world. I mean, you may not think anything’s wrong, and that’s fine, but if there’s a crack somewhere, don’t you want to fix it? Moreover, I did this testing knowing there’s no quick fix for whatever’s wrong with me, but hoping for recommendations on how to improve what’s already a not-bad life, not so that I could find more things wrong and panic.

I took my son for the same reasons, and because he has a hard time making friends. The diagnosis (not sharing here) came with pages of recommendations to make his life easier but still challenging and ways we can help him learn. He’s a good kid, a mostly normal kid, so we had already decided against any meds and that anything we learned we’d only use towards the good. Like changing the oil in your car…you do it to keep major problems from happening down the road. Well, we got this information so we can prevent major problems from his diagnosis and I couldn’t be happier that we did it.

Back to me, though…I’m mentally ill. Bipolar disorder is a true mental illness, far too close to schizophrenia for my comfort, in some cases linked to seizure disorders, and fairly easily treatable with meds and some therapy. A truly bipolar person will never be “normal” regardless of the medicines. There is no medicine to take away the highs and lows. What medicine can do is keep the highs and lows from being so extreme that they disrupt your life beyond repair. I still have problems, though. The ADHD symptoms are from the “mixed states” that I go through. These mood swings are not just over a few hours or days. I have been in a deep depression for many months, punctuated with short (a few weeks at a time) mixed manias. I think my last straight up manic episode was at the beginning of the year. Since then it’s been depression and energetic depression. I feel worthless, useless, lazy, ugly and a burden on my family.

From Wikipedia on bipolar disorder in general:

“In some cases, it can be a devastating long-lasting disorder. In others, it has also been associated with creativity, goal striving, and positive achievements. There is significant evidence to suggest that many people with creative talents have also suffered from some form of bipolar disorder.”

For the most part, my bipolar is probably the reason I got such great grades in school and have, up to the last year, been so successful in my job. Manias truly make you feel invincible and almost always more productive. But, here I am deep in depression, and my job has suffered for it…a LOT. So has my home life.

So. Oprah made sure we all know what DEPRESSION is, but do you REALLY know what a manic state is? Wikipedia once again has a pretty good explanation:

“Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and, depending on its severity, is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated, expansive, or irritable mood state. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep. A person’s speech may be pressured, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant, or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable. People may feel they have been “chosen” and are “on a special mission” or have other grandiose or delusional ideas. Sexual drive may increase. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood.[9] Many people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose.”

Me? I get the irritability, insomnia, racing thoughts, low attention span, impaired judgment and impulse control, aggression, intolerance, out of control—yet somehow more in charge of certain aspects of life, raised libido, severe anxiety and rage. Oh, and something not mentioned on Wikipedia…I can’t handle repetitive sound. “Music” that constantly repeats the same riff or sound (Tool and Beck and NIN—love ‘em but can only listen to certain songs) is entirely unacceptable—it actually causes an almost PAIN, makes my whole body react. Rarely do I have the positive aspects, except the low attention span helps with multitasking. (On a side note, I think those with ADHD are the great untapped resource for multitasking. When pointed in the right direction, a person with ADHD can blow his/her cohorts out of the water with productivity. IJS)

And here’s the kicker—what I’ve been more often than not for the last year or so:

“In the context of bipolar disorder, a mixed state is a condition during which symptoms of mania and clinical depression occur simultaneously (for example, agitation, anxiety, aggressiveness or belligerence, confusion, fatigue, impulsiveness, insomnia, irritability, morbid and/or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, persecutory delusions, pressured speech, racing thoughts, restlessness, and rage).”

So why am I writing this blog? Because the stigma against mental illness is ridiculous. The mentally ill can be fully functioning members of society and you never had any idea. Most people find out I’m bipolar and are completely amazed. They would have never guessed. But the signs are there…It’s not that they wouldn’t have guessed it, but rather because they were uninformed as to the details of bipolar disorder and therefore don’t know what to look for. Bipolar can work toward success, just as ADHD can. Neither person can tolerate a boring job or class, but something that uses creativity and allows for multitasking—boy howdy, let me at it!!! For me, give me several tasks requiring detail and organization, and I’ll show you how it should have been done all along. The one thing I’m confident about in my life is being good under pressure. The doctor says that’s because I’m “hypervigilant” and because I work really hard at not using emotion to cloud judgments. I mean, I actually WORK really HARD to get past emotion, because my emotions are so overwhelming I tend to lose control when they take over. I came from an extremely dramatic family, so I flip the coin, which isn’t any better an idea. When people say shocking things, I often just stare at them blankly and they think I didn’t hear or didn’t care. However, I’m very carefully trying to regain my composure and come up with a proper response—neither of which is instant.

You probably know someone with bipolar disorder, another mood disorder, or some other mental illness. Maybe it’s you. If you think you may be bipolar, ADD, ADHD, or anything else like this, go to www.psychcentral.com. Take any applicable quizzes and print them for your records. Then use their “mood tracker” daily. I found doing it first thing in the morning kind of defeats the purpose. Hell, I’m depressed EVERY morning, always have been—I am an ANTI-morning person, LOL. So I try to wait until about halfway through the day to see if things are abnormal. I’ve been watching my moods for so long now that I can definitely tell and try to warn my husband before I get home.

It’s difficult to be in a relationship with bipolar disorder. Luckily I’m married to a good man who is interested in what is going on in my head. He understands that just like there are some limitations for a paraplegic, there are some limitations for me. Sometimes I need to be alone, but sometimes I’m horrified at the idea of being alone. Sometimes I want to party, others I just want to sleep. Sometimes I’m cranky as can be, but because I really don’t socialize at work, I don’t even know it until I get home and start getting looks from my husband and son. Then I find myself apologizing.
It’s an ongoing work in progress, always will be, forever. Well, I’d rather be a work in progress than a static person who knows what each day holds. I like life, for the most part, and really like variety. One thing bipolar disorder does is keep up the variety in life!

**Disclaimer: I’m well aware that there are a multitude of grammatical errors in this blog, and for that I apologize. It’s not an easy topic for me to write on, so I just wrote the words in my head regardless of grammar.**